TheExpatJournals.com

Well the weekend is here. It’s a very different experience living in Panama and working this hard. My work revolves around the school year, so I’m pretty wound down by May and then in September, I become a slave all over again. I had a partner for ten years, but differences in direction forced the seperation at the beginning of 2004. And now, I can work really hard for awhile and then take a decent chunk of time off. But I still hate it when I’m working this hard. I cease to be anywhere but in the work. I can barely take in the ocean outside my door or the flowers that now fill my balcony, though after a relatively strong wind yesterday afternoon, I did at least notice the sunset-red carpet of verenera (bougainvilla) that covered the Paseo.Unlike the apartments one floor above me with the sweeping vistas of the sea and the city, I only have panoramic views if I’m out on my balcony. From inside, I see the Union Club, trees, and the entrance to the Paseo. I would have never guessed that it would turn into what would be described in the US as ’seasonal views.’ I sort of assumed that the green of the flamboyant trees would stay that way year round. They’re the ones that look like mimosas. But I have a seasonal view of the sea from inside now. Through the trees, I see the horizon, the sun reflected off waves and tiny white caps at a distance. Granted, I could probably throw a rock from my balcony and hit the water, but it is nice to at least come up out being lost in the land of the computer and remember the beauty that is, literally, right outside my door.

Part of all this work has meant no time to do anything, particularly write. That requires a certain ability of being tuned in to what’s around me. And living in the computer, as I’ve always known, I could be anywhere because wherever I am, I’m oblivious to anything but the task at hand. And what’s worse is that so much of it is such tedious detail that I find myself resisting the work. Which, of course, only makes it harder.

The other day I took a taxi. The driver was asking me where I’m from and where I’ve been in Panama. We talked about the obvious: Bocas, Boquete, and El Valle. At the end, he told me that he wished he could travel more, but the opportunity just didn’t exist for him to earn the money to do so. And in  flash, I knew I should feel really grateful that I have the ability to earn a decent living and to do that FROM HERE! The resistance has got to go.

One night this week, I finally walked out of my apartment at 11:41PM. I went over to a bench in front of the parking lot that must have one of the prettiest views of any parking lot anywhere. It’s between the sea and the Nacional Theater. There’s a beautiful seafront walk with benches and flowers. And no one ever parks there. There’s an underground parking lot below, without the harsh intensity of direct sun all day long and someone once told me they don’t let people park up top because they are afraid of the roof caving in. So it remains a vacant lot with the occasional stray vehicle. I just sat there and looked out at the sea. The temperature was absolutely ideal! I think it was about 77 degrees and there was a breeze that just caressed the skin. The night was a moonless dark, but off in the distance, so far that it was unaccompanied by sound, lightening back-lit massive cloud banks at regular intervals. Divine fireworks. And it soothed me.

Yesterday, the sky was pretty grey all day. I drove down Avenida Balboa at around 4:45…big mistake. The traffic was so bad that I ended up turning around and coming home lest I not make a later appointment.

But I had forgotten how much more beautiful the sea is against a dark, threatening sky. That’s when the term most often used to describe the Pacific waters here becomes distinctly visible…emerald green.

I had so much fun last night. Someone had come in from NYC who has offered me some space on a container he’s bringing down. Turns out, he remembers meeting me some 22 years ago. It’s a small world after all. So I had plans to meet him for dinner when I was invited out by other friends. We ended up with 7 at dinner all together and it was a blast. Talking with him made me realize that the people I’ve grown closest to and spend most of my social time with are not expats, in fact, I can’t think of a single expat I do spend time with. I had never thought about it before, but sort of enjoyed the truth of it. We were all sending emails back and forth around the Yankees/Red Sox series last week. We all watched the first game together.

And now one, for reasons I’m still not clear around …back to that work stuff…one is buying us dinner Tuesday night at another’s restaurant of choice called 1985. It’s supposed to be really good. The humor in the emails was the kind of thing I’m accustomed to in NYC around the rivalry and most at least R rated. Honestly, every time I get this consumed by work, I start to take everything way too seriously. And I had said to my friends, something’s wrong when I’m in the tropics and keep getting whiter and whiter. (You should never get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired -HALT- or serious-SHALT!) And
laughter is not just the best medicine, sometimes it’s the only one. And now, I begin the weekend feeling good. Thanks to my Panameno friends. And one New Yorker.

And by the way, if you ever go to La Papa on the street behind The Executive Hotel, right next door is a condominium called Vista Towers and in front of that, on the street, is this bush. I have no idea of what it is, but everytime I go there, I just have to touch it. The flowers are full bunches of fuzzy blossoms, again…sunset blood orange though paler than that…that are as light to touch as cotton candy is to eat. It’s kinda like a plant I knew called ‘rabbit’s ear’ though that is green and the leaves are much more substantial. I’ve never seen, or felt, anything like it! Everyone who walks by there with me is as amazed as I am. In fact, one friend snitched a cutting last night. I hope it works.

Everywhere, at every turn, there’s color and beauty and awe and warmth and laughter to take in. I just have to let it in.