TheExpatJournals.com

I am about to leave for NYC again day after tomorrow. This will be the last time I have to go there. In the future, it will be as a visitor and not a resident. My apartment will be closed and empty by the time I return to Panama. While I’m not looking forward to the work of a move, unlike previous moves, the pain of what’s in store is so diminished by knowing I will be free of it and my life will now be in Panama.

The day after our election was Panama’s big holiday, Independence Day…our July 4th. And since they’re flag is also red, white, and blue, those colors were everywhere. Not me, I was in all black from head to toe. It’s as though the option of even returning was no longer an option after the results. I can’t say I felt sad for myself, just glad I was in Panama and not the States. I’ve subsequently been contacted for information. As I said to someone, I think the election is going to be very good for Panama, not because of four more years, but for immigration. So much for uniting, but then again, that was a 2000 campaign promise too and we see how that turned out. And if I let myself, I don’t ever have to speak of it again. I can choose to stop having an opinion. Someone asked me if I didn’t feel a moral responsibility to make whatever difference I could make in the US. My answer was simple. I don’t. There, and especially now, it’s hard to get beyond anger to contribute anything positive. Here, I can let go of all of that and put positive energy out on this planet. Now, before you begin to think I’m some new age something I’m not, perhaps even more simply stated..I’m now ready to live my life for myself. And live, not just follow the driving force that tells me to achieve, to make a difference, etc.

Friday, I ran into a man in Casco Viejo who immediately handed me a letter written in English that he has carried around in his pocket since it was written so he could give it to me when he saw me. It was dated Sept. 22nd. It was a love letter. It was so sweet and so heartfelt that I am afraid I just don’t have the ability to speak the truth and am instead planning to tell him that I have a boyfriend already.

Then Saturday, a painter I’ve bought a couple of pieces from shows up. He is very depressed and it shows. He’s not normally like that. We talked for awhile exclusively in Spanish and I offered him my experience of what helps me in times of the ‘darkness of the soul.’ At one point, he was trying not to cry and instead, impulsively came over and hugged me for a long time. It had zero sexual overtones. It was just one human being seeking comfort in another human being. He thinks I brought him piece. I think we’re all just pawns in what I have come to call the Divine Tapestry….you know…look at the back and it’s a jumbled mess of thread. But look at the front and it’s a work of art. I’m just a little piece of thread. We are the big picture. But I have to say, I appreciated being able to be there for someone else in their time of need. And he seemed to feel better when he left. And I enjoyed that I spoke in Spanish the whole time. I could barely speak a word a few months back!

And then there’s another friend who called yesterday because we’ve barely had any time given my work schedule. She tells me she misses me. Before I even got that message, I had asked her to join me for coffee and we ended up having dinner and talking for awhile. People in NYC for the most part, are way too stoic or busy or something to leave messages like that. It’s normal to not see a close friend for a week or two. And you better believe that no personal plans are ever as important as business plans. If you bow out on a dinner scheduled a week in advance because ’something came up at work,’ to have a problem with that is considered ‘uncool.’

Yes, I LOVE being here more and more. Gorgeous weather, gorgeous scenery, heartfelt folks and everything still a fresh, exciting challenge/adventure. I’m stimulated in every way one can be stimulated that doesn’t take into account the opposite sex or whatever your preference may be. Granted, since my early October return, I’ve been working 12-14 hours a day, but that’s almost completed.

Yesterday, I went art shopping for a woman opening a store in an NYC suburb…can’t say I had much luck, but it felt like the equivalent to a free day. And today, Sunday, I’m just not interested in working whether I should be or not. So I had lunch with a friend and upon my return, spent a bit of time speaking with two single woman who live in the building next door. And then I sat on my balcony so I could continue to feel the silky air caress my skin. God I love the feeling
of the air here!

As I sat watching the piles of tourist, I noticed two small light yellow butterflies circling each other like a helicopter winding up a double helix path that only they could sense. I noticed all the brown pods on the flamboyan tree, which apparently has another name that I’m still missing. Through it’s now diminished greenery, the ocean is visible. And I realized this time of year must be the equivalent to spring. And you would think that leaves grow thicker at that time of the year, but this tree seemed to have it’s most prolific…err, flamboyant period during what would be the beginning of summer.

Over the last couple of weeks, I re-thought my balcony and decided to go historically correct for the neighborhood with veranera…aka bouganvillea. Beginning with two tiny red and two tiny white plants in a large planter, I’ve now planted two more large planters. When they all adapt to their new surroundings and bloom, my balcony will be a profusion of yellow, white, red, coral, and purple veranera. I moved the huge bush filled with small, dark blue flowers to the back ledge above the courtyard. No wonder veranera was historically correct…all the flowers hang over the balcony and actually leave you
room on the balcony itself. My neighbor had put some plants on the courtyard ledge just to free up space on her balcony. It’s quite nice to have blooming plants hanging down from above in the courtyard. And as I watched the butterflies spiraling upwards, I noticed when I looked down that the tiny red and white veraneras were beginning to bloom. And in that moment, I hated the thought of going to NYC and missing that.

I miss a lot about Panama when I’m in NYC. I honestly cannot say at this point that I miss much about NYC when I’m in Panama. Sure, the selection of cheddar, spices, and the ease of finding great Italian Roast coffee, but that’s about it.

I’ve just had bar stools made for my kitchen counter out of cedar. I finally figured out exactly which dining room table and chairs I want and took photos to the furniture maker and will have a price tomorrow. I keep buying the astounding handmade-the-same-way-for-centures Colombian Chamaware that is so expensive and so hard to find in the US and is so inexpensive here. I’m having mola stars (Christmas tree ornaments) handmade for me. I’m having mola quilts made for Christmas gifts and am designing one for myself. I had an anklet and a bracelet custom made. And I can’t even tell you how cheap these things are and how happy the Kunas are to have the work. Everything I’ve purchased so far I have purchased directly from the source, no middle men to mark it up. I like getting a better deal as well as knowing the money is going to the creator, not just the seller.

I have a fantastic maid who thoroughly cleans twice a week, does my laundry, my ironing, shops for food with my list and cooks. I pay her $20 a week and that enabled her to quit working part time for someone who was verbally abusive. She will water my plants while I’m away and have dinner ready the night I return as well as fruit, coffee and milk stocked for the next morning. And she always leaves me feeling like she feels as if there is more she should be doing, rather than any semblance of me imposing on her. I’ve never had a maid in my life! And let me tell, it’s easy to get used to it really quickly.

The friends I was growing closer to are friendships that are growing even stronger and more comfortable and that is such a foundation from which to adventure forth in the exploration of this incredible country. I never had parents, so friendship takes on even more important a role in my life. They become chosen family. One of the reasons I left NYC the first time was because I wanted more intimate relationships. NYC is great when you’re chasing a career, but that is the main reason everyone is there. People don’t drop by for a chat. Socializing requires appointments in order to budget your time. It’s
not that you can’t develop close relationships, but for me, that only happened over a long period of time. Here I find people more focused on being in each other’s lives the way I found that to be true in Asheville, NC where I spent a couple of years in my previous attempt to flee NYC. Here, though, people are more worldly and interested in more than just their own back yard. And therefore, I’m more consistently intellectually challenged than I found to be the case in Asheville. And that works for me.

I’m slowly beginning to learn a bit more about the interior. There is so much here to discover! And Casco Viejo is absolutely booming with renovation. Sometimes I wonder if there are even any buildings left to renovate that haven’t already been bought. I see on the average of two new projects per month begin. And no, you can’t find a restaurant open here on Sunday and no, there are no grocery stores, dry cleaners, pharmacies and no markets you would care to buy anything from beyond maybe milk or soda, but still, this is where my heart insisted I live and I haven’t regretted it for a moment, only grown more and more sure of the decision. I’m willing to bet getting rid of the NYC apartment will unfold in the same way.