TheExpatJournals.com

I’m gonna ramble, so bear with me… It is HOT during the day, clear and beautiful, but hot. Seems the average daytime high now is 90-92. And because we’re in the tropics, the sun feels far more intense than 92 degrees felt in NYC. I walk in
the shade. I use the air conditioning every day.
At night, however, the temperature drops and the breezes pick up to form an IDEAL temperature every night. I don’t know what the thermometer says, but the one in my body says perfect.

I haven’t been writing and don’t know why except that the initial journals were written after I had a month off from work and before I went back to work…in other words, during a period of relaxation that coincided with discovery. I did find myself putting together a piece on the experience in San Blas that is up to 8 pages and is still not finished.

I feel like I’ve learned a LOT about the cultures down here, the kind of things that you begin to detect on a subliminal level. Even though my friends here are Panamanians who are educated and speak English, among them there are also huge differences. I have arrived at realizing there is no such thing as a stereotype unless you simply don’t go any deeper yourself. Though sometimes, I must admit, it’s easy to reach information overload and simply grab the gist of a culture, a situation, an area, etc. Anyone who hasn’t seen me in a couple of months always tells me how much better I now speak Spanish, though I know how far I have to go. It’s such a small country that the other night, when someone invited me to come along with them to a beach for a day, I mentioned one person’s name and indeed, that was the house they were going to. It’s such a small country that I know which of my neighbors were in Boquete and where they stayed and who they met without the information coming from them.

It’s January 2005 and my life is not even recognizable compared to this time a year ago. Many people have asked, “Why?” and my responses are typically rather superficial. I’ve grown tired of wordy responses that tell the whole story.

Last year, I was so burned out after working on the average of 130 hours a week for months on end with the closest thing to a reprieve being an 80 hour work week. I lived only 2 avenues west of the heart of Times Square, so I could hear the revelry outside as the ball dropped, but spent the night alone, in my apartment, grabbing the last bit of rest I could wrench out of the Christmas Holidays.

This year, on December 31st, I lay on a lounge chair with friends listening to the relatively gentle lap of the Pacific Ocean while looking up at a star covered sky as far as the eye could see. At one point, I saw an orange shooting star seemingly aimed directly at the three Marias. I made a wish and felt privileged for the viewing. We celebrated with a toast of sparkling French apple cidar and feasted on a huge roast pork deliciously prepared by my favorite cook in Panama.

As the new year was counted down, we watched 4 or 5 different fireworks display cast color and light over the ocean. And as I began to test the waters of self-pity for the first time during these holidays (read: a self-pity free holiday for the first time in my life, I think), rather than dive in, I wrote the names of people I love in the sand on the beach and self-pity ebbed like the tide.

I am now living in Panama, a country I had only read about online at this time last year. In fact, given that Christmas was my first downtime of the year, I actually obsessed during the week between Christmas and New Year, digging up as much info as I could find. For whatever reason, from the moment I began reading about Panama, I was smitten from afar.

And I am still amazed that, although I forgot to take my black eyed peas up to the beach to cook for New Year’s Day as per an old southern tradition, when we visited folks at Punta Chame, we had lunch at probably the only house in Panama serving black eyed peas, thanks to US visitors from Texas.

And so it goes for me in Panama. There’s a lot of seemingly magical coincidence of the welcome variety. People are truly gracious, warm and hospitable here. It’s as though they’re untarnished and, unless you prove yourself otherwise, people give you the benefit of the doubt and embrace you instantly rather than standing at arm’s length until time has justified such a welcome. And the people I know here are so incredibly thoughtful that we all should learn or at least be inspired.

Examples:

When I introduced a friend to uchuvas and then joined him as his guest at the beach that weekend only to find he had made a point of going out and buying uchuvas so I would have them for my salad that weekend. Or mentioning to him my favorite coffee available in Boquete only to have two pounds of it two weeks later.

Last week, I wasn’t feeling too well and do believe I managed to use my tried and true means of averting a cold developing into anything worse which is lots of liquids and lots of rest at the onset. I had a yen for limonada, but no get up and go to get it. I went upstairs to rest while my maid finished up downstairs. Without asking for it, later, when I came downstairs, there were lemons on the counter. Now the Panamanians might complain that the maid should have also made the limonada, but I would have to counter with the fact that few maids show any initiative, especially part-time ones.

I had dinner last night with some folks at a friend’s house. I had mentioned a week or so ago how difficult it was to find real vanilla here, rather than the imitation vanilla. When I arrived last night, one of them presented me with an 8 ounce bottled of vanilla! That should last about a decade! A chef at the dinner declared this particular vanilla to be the best in Panama! It’s prepared at a botanical farmacia that apparently is the national distributor. Even when I mentioned it and my friend said he got it at a farmacia, on an off chance I mentioned the one at the end of Salsipuedes and indeed, that’s where you buy it.

Which brings me back to botanicals…I absolutely must find someone bi-linqual who can accompany me on a trip to find out what people do with all of the medicinal herbs they sell. I want to know more!

I only arrived for my initial exploratory visit in May of 2004. I am in awe of how easy it has been to build a life here, actually, I didn’t even build it, I just got out of my own way and let it unfold. And it just keeps feeling richer and richer and that statement has absolutely nothing to do with money or material possessions of any sort…

Well, let me digress for one moment to mention the ongoing saga of furnishing my apartment. I find that there are only three categories of furniture here: 1. Nice pieces at prices that seem astronomical. 2. Crap that seems expensive. 3. Crap I wouldn’t have in my house that looks like it would fall apart rapidly anyway. Antiques, thrift stores, etc are non-existant here for the most part and those that do exist are the most expensive places you could possibly shop. Dressers we could find in a Salvation Army store for $30 are $600 here. I looked at an old wicker day bed that wasn’t that old or in that great
of shape and the price tag was $3300. It’s laughable and with reference, offensive.

So I knew that I would have to have anything I wanted made. My problem then became obsessively searching for just the right thing. First order is a dining room table now that I know what I want. The one I finally found by a boutique designer in the States is $35,000. I’m having it made here for $300. And I’m visiting lumber sources…and I don’t mean Cochez, etc…I mean docks and distributors where whole trees are still piled up waiting for companies like Cochez to come buy, cut and sell. I’ve put a picture up in the photos section of what we’re copying. Once the table is made, I’ll add a photo of what the copy looks like. In the meantime, I find it fascinating to go out and shop for the wood. Accompanied by my maker, I’m inevitably the only gringo around the places we go. And, btw, the crafstman I’m using doesn’t speak a word of English.

On the Casco Viejo front, the Indians are once again, selling their wares on the Paseo after the new government shut them down for about a month. And the tourist comes in droves now! I’m talking 10 busloads a day. I was speaking with a Kuna friend the other day who said they were selling out of everything and could barely keep up with demand.

The number of buildings that have sold and begun restoration since I’ve been here is mind boggling. Within 6 blocks of me, I can think of at least 20 buildings that are now in process. It sometimes feels like there’s about to be nothing left. I assume the surge was the direct result of the government extended the construction exoneration on taxes. There’s virtually no prime property left to restore and on those that are, the price tag has literally doubled in the last six months.

And all since June! Sometimes, I’m still amazed by how much has changed and how much has happened in such a short span. I came here in early May for a visit. I went to Bocas and to Boquete. I ate, swam, snorkled, and sailed. Fresh fruit and good coffee made breakfast a regular thing for the first time in memory. I made new friends in Panama City who were pleased to share the magic of their hometown with me. I learned a little about the culture. I learned some Spanish. I froze in movie theaters and melted in the humidity each time I stepped outside air-conditioning or the comfort of the breeze off the sea. I was relieved by the cool night air of Boquete. I took stock of what it would be like to buy groceries here and wandered in search of what I would want to be able to buy to continue a food style to which I had become accustomed. I bathed in the beauty of the land, the indigenous art, and especially the warmth of the Panamenos. And when it was time to go back to New York City, that place that had always held such an ironclad grip on my mental well being, for the first time, I regretted having to return. I didn’t want to leave my new love, Panama.

I remember walking through Tocumen, teary eyed at the realization that once again, I was happy. It had been so long since I felt this way that I realized I had either forgotten how it felt or had given up on feeling just the sheer joy of being alive and all the possibility that entails. In either event, the fresh reminder of how it feels to walk through a day from a place of life rather than stress was somehow an apex in my years. I thanked God for helping me to remember what it felt like to be happy. And I still feel that same sense of Divine gratitude for landing in such a special place as Panama. If I stop and think, I still don’t really know how I ended up here. And, as most point out to me, the fact that I came here not knowing anyone,
never having been here before and all on my own, makes it all the more unusual.

All I can say is that, for once, instead of using logic for a self-defeating purpose, I did manage to get out of my own way and
follow the signs. And the signs were those voices deep inside quietly validating the impact on my peace, my sense of adventure, my insatiable need to learn, in short, my well being rather than my well doing. And I’m yet to miss NYC for a moment. And on a daily basis I offer up a prayer of gratitude for the gift of Panama.

I not only do not regret it and think moving here to be one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, I don’t take it for granted either. I feel like it’s an opportunity to have a second childhood where there’s innocence and adventure and trust and discovery. I steer clear of the contagious egos…lots of people here like to drop lots of names and climb ladders I don’t want anywhere near. I steer clear of self-righteous indignation that many gringos can’t seem to let go of. I guess the message is stop steering altogether and just let it unfold…the proverbial ‘get out of my own way.’ Easier said than done and easier to do here than anywhere else I’ve experienced.

Looking forward to 2005 in Panama. Life here falls into a category of ‘the promise of the unknown’ rather than ‘the threat of the unknown.’ Does it really get any better than that?